It’s natural to be a little hesitant to talk about the end of life. No one wants to talk about death, not our own or that of a loved one. We are doing all we can to promote life to its full length. We want our loved ones to have full and happy lives; but faced with the inevitable end, a prolonged illness or the sudden onset of circumstances that will end life sooner than we hoped, what then? Then you accompany your loved one through illness and death. It can be a singular, unique experience of grace. It is an opportunity to love. For love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Cor 13:7-8) Surround them with love, support, and companionship that are “anchored in unconditional respect for their human dignity, beginning with respect for the inherent value of their lives.” (To Live Each Day with Dignity, USCCB). It is being fully pro-life as natural death looms just ahead. Here are some ways to experience and provide the love of God to your loved one.
Invite God In: Pope Francis has said that “praying in difficult situations is like opening the door to the Lord, in order that he might enter” to sustain the hope of sharing in Christ’s Resurrection. Ask God to accompany both of you.
Listen in order to how best to honor his or her wishes. This requires true empathy. It may well be very different from what you would want. Listen with a non-judgmental ear so your loved one feels free to speak openly.
Be knowledgeable about your loved one’s wishes for ordinary or proportionate treatment. Listen for the natural fears of dependency, helplessness, or pain. Know the basics of health care directives, hospice care, how to provide basic needs and providing comfort. Respect for life does not demand that we attempt to prolong life by using medical treatments that are ineffective or unduly burdensome.
Be Steadfast in Compassion. Compassion means ‘suffer with’. Your friend or family member will likely face ups and downs. Recognize these as part of a natural process. Surround him or her with love, support, and companionship that are “anchored in unconditional respect for their human dignity, beginning with respect for the inherent value of their lives.
Help Them Achieve Closure: Help your family member or friend define the unfinished personal projects, financial concerns, unresolved relationships, or other matters that occupy his or her mind. Due to changing circumstances, some goals may need to be reframed. Creating and accomplishing this list of unfinished business can help the person discover a sense of purpose and feel more at peace.
Provide Opportunities for Resolution: “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “Thank you” can promote much-needed healing during the dying process. You can help ensure a peaceful transition for your loved one by facilitating opportunities for reconciliation with others and for mutual expressions of love and gratitude. Consider offering to invite a priest to hear his or her confession and to administer the Eucharist as viaticum and the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick. You do not need to wait “for the last minute”
Tell stories and get them to share. Reminiscing is a way to let people realize what a wonderful life they were given and all the graces God showered upon them. Don’t underestimate the power of armosas and sight of their favorite food – even if they are unable to share in them. Think of other small comforts you can provide that would spark meaningful memories, like special photos or mementos.
Be a Peaceful Presence. There comes a time of natural withdrawal from surroundings when dying persons may lose interest in many activities that used to be enjoyable. Your own quiet, patient presence can provide important support as your loved one prepares emotionally and spiritually for his or her passing. Hearing can become very acute, so placing the phone in another room, playing favorite music, reading a favorite passage, praying together, or simply sitting quietly with him or her can all be very soothing.
Show Tenderness: Those who are dying remain in need of the tenderness of personal human contact. Ask if you might gently brush your loved one’s hair, apply lotion to her hands or feet, or simply hold his hand. Tell stories, laugh, and share memories to reassure the person he or she is a cherished gift, not a burden in any way.
Bear Their Transition Patiently: Your loved one is slowly becoming another person, especially in cases accompanied by dementia/cognitive impairment. You will witness changes in mental or emotional states. Try to be patient, and allow the “how” and “when” of death to be between God and your loved one. Ask God for the wisdom to know what final words to say—if any—and when. As you are able, give your loved one permission to make the transition. For example, you might say, “I love you. It’s okay to go home now.”